I had hoped to use this week's post to introduce Kade's new baby sister. However, that was not meant to be. I wondered if I should even bother writing about it because, in the long run, this is such an insignificant blip in Kade's life. I decided that I will, if only to remind us how lucky we are to have had such an amazing experience with Kade's adoption and the relationships we've gained from it.

We found out that a birthmom wanted to meet us in the end of June. Due to so many schedules involved, and the fact that she wasn't due until October, we didn't meet until the end of July. The meeting went well, if not a litte awkward--but they all kind of are at first anyway. She seemed legit, her whole family was on board with the adoption plan and the birthdad wanted nothing to do with it. We never mentioned anything to Kade because he doesn't plan past his next nap and it was still a long ways out.

Then, the end of September, she and her mom wanted to meet again and also meet Kade this time. Okay. Now it's real because she's due any day and Kade's being involved. We have to tell him, we have to prepare him for a baby or a birthmom who changed her mind. We don't want to get him too pumped up for a baby sister, but we need to prepare him for a major life change. That's tough to do with a 3 year old. We told him this: "You know how you came out of Lady A's tummy and she chose us to be your parents? Well, there's a girl that has a baby girl in her tummy and she might be choosing us to be her parents and choosing you to be her big brother." He asked if he could talk to the baby and I said the baby is still in her tummy. That was enough, he had moved on to tractors and other "more interesting" topics.

Fast forward to Thursday, October 3rd. It was my day home with Kade and we got the call that the baby had been born and birthmom was still set on adoption. She had been in labor for 19 hours so she needed rest the first day. The second day was her day in the hospital with the baby so her family members could come meet her. We were to come the 3rd day, Saturday, for discharge to bring the baby home. Plan was set and birthmom was completely okay with it. I told Kade he was getting a new sister soon and he said, "I can't wait to show her my Vikings jersey!". Love this kid. He also said it'd be a good idea for her to have his room and he'd move downstairs. Thankfully we hadn't made any preparations besides washing a load of clothes and cleaning up the car seat! Kade is still in his room next door to ours.

We got to the hospital on Saturday at 10:00. Our social worker sat us down and told us birthmom was having a rough morning. That's fine, it's to be expected--obviously. We'd just wait til she was ready. 3 hours later we were informed she'd changed her mind and decided to keep the baby. I can't say that either Erik or I were suprised. We'd never had that feeling, in the pit of our stomach, that this was really going to happen like we did with Kade's adoption. Kade's situation always felt "right", like it was meant to be. This one never did. I don't know if it's because Kade's was sudden, as in we got the call when they thought Lady A was in labor, and this one was long and drawn out? I don't know, the feeling just wasn't there. That's not to say it wasn't hard to hear the words, "she's keeping her". It was. Very hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I'd prepared myself all along to hear those words but it sounds nicer when it's in your head and it's your own voice telling you that.

Am I angry? Yes, a little. In my opinion, she's not doing what's best for her child. She's being selfish. She's 24 years old, has no education beyond her high school diploma, still lives at home with her parents, the birthdad is not involved and has already proven to be a dead beat dad to his 11 year old. Her parents were urging her to go through with the adoption. That's not a good start to parenthood.  Not to mention, the first time we met her she told us she doesn't like kids and she's never really wanted to be a parent.  Obviously that was her way of coping with the situation, but still...

Am I sad? Yes. I've always pictured myself with a son and a daughter. Now I don't think that's ever going to happen. We've been at this for almost 10 years. We had already decided, before we were even chosen, that we'd be done in June of 2014. We'll be on the adoption list for 8 more months. After 10 years of trying it's time to throw in the towel and move on to the next chapter in our lives.

Can I blame her? No. I've never been in her position. Never will be. It's her child and she's doing what she needs to do. Ultimately it's her choice and she made it.

When we got home I had a good cry and a good, long run. When I turned the corner at the end of the run I looked up and there was Kade, sprinting as fast as he could down the driveway, arms open wide, coming towards me to give me the biggest bear hug his little arms could handle. And THAT, literally, made it all better :-)

Lady A sent a note saying how sorry she was, how happy she is with her decision to have us parent Kade and how much she appreciates us. Sometimes adoptions don't turn out so well, but Kade's has been nothing but amazing and for that, we are grateful.

Erik's cousin sent us a note telling us our family is perfect, no matter what size it is. Wise words from a wise woman--thanks again, Amy :-)

Kade never did ask about the baby. I'm not sure if he forgot, or if someone already took care of that conversation for us. Either way, if he doesn't ask we won't bring it up. Life is still good...and we got a full night's sleep last night :-)